Welcome to my blog. I live, knit, crochet, spin and craft near the Northumbrian Coast (but not too near – the waves won't be splashing my yarn!).There's a story in every stitch, every grain of sand, every blade of grass. I thought I'd blog about it…
Today is the first anniversary of Kevin’s death. It’s made me reflect on the last year and how things have changed. Of course I still miss him every day, but the pain isn’t as raw as it was. I do still have the occasional wobble, for example if something has happened that I’d just love to tell him about.
I felt quite numb for those first few weeks. I buried myself in a complicated piece of knitting that required enough concentration to distract me from thinking about what had happened. Friends brought food and visited to check up on me. I gradually got through the “sadmin” : all those things that you have to do when someone dies.
Son and Daughter have been amazing. He still lives here and has taken over the care of Buddy the dog (who seemed to become totally fixated on Son). Daughter checks up on me almost daily and is over here regularly to help out with stuff.
They say that things happen for a reason. My mother died just over six weeks before Kevin – in many ways it prepared me for what was to come – registering the death, planning the funeral and so on. Most importantly I was kept very busy for those first few months, as we cleared my mother’s house. Keeping busy really helped. The house sold very quickly and that really put the pressure on, but we did it. I brought quite a bit of stuff back to mine, including 10 boxes of photographs and slides and I’m still going through those. Some of the items I will sell when I get round to it but not yet.
I learnt how to cook again. Kevin had done all the cooking for many years and he was really good at it. I’m getting better at batch cooking single portions and filling the freezer with those. Spending more time on my feet really brought my disability into painfully sharp focus, so I’ve really tried to do what I can to make things easier – I sought medical help which has led to me getting ankle supports and insoles to stabilise my feet and ankles. I’m using various aids around the house and in the longer term getting some adaptations made to home and garden to make things more manageable.
Someone who lost her husband some years ago gave me what has turned out to be a great pice of advice. She told me to never turn down an invitation. And I haven’t! It would be so easy to decline and say you aren’t up to it, but then it gets harder to say “yes” and I suppose eventually people would stop inviting you.
When Kevin was alive we always had our own interests as well as the things we enjoyed together. I gradually returned to all my usual activities: book club, choir, ukulele, my various craft groups and crochet teaching. This has kept me busy and involved: everyone has been so kind. I am truly blessed to have so many lovely friends and neighbours who are always there for me when I need their help. I have also continued to go to gigs, initially those we had already purchased tickets for, that Kevin would had gone to. Again, my lovely friends have supported me and come with me to concerts – of course I always think about Kevin and wonder what he would have thought of every performance but it doesn’t stop me enjoying them. I have more tickets booked for this year, though I haven’t quite caught up with my reviews on here. My blog has suffered a fair bit – time just gets away from me.
There have been some particularly difficult times over the year. Christmas was hard. I found myself signing Christmas cards from both of us and tearing them up. I realised when cards addressed to us both arrived that there were some people that didn’t know Kevin had died so I had to let them know. On Christmas Day itself there was no way I could recreate the wonderful roast goose that Kevin used to cook so Son, Daughter and I went out for lunch at a local restaurant, which was lovely, then to friends for drinks and a very enjoyable afternoon.
As life without Kevin has taken shape I have some new adventures to look forward to. In a couple of weeks I’m going on my first cruise, along with Daughter, my brother and his wife (they have been a great support too) . It was something I always fancied trying but I would never have got Kevin anywhere near a cruise ship. Next year sees an even bigger adventure. I’m going to Costa Rica for 11 days, joining a group tour with Limitless Travel, who specialise in making holidays accessible for disabled travellers.
I’m doing ok, and part of that is developing a “sink or swim” mentality. To a point I know that I have to keep going and I’m scared of going under but in doing that I have found more resilience than I ever knew I was capable of. I would also want to make him proud of me. I know that he would want me to live the best life I can possibly can. I’m giving it my best shot!
It’s 19 days since Kevin died and three days since his funeral. I’m doing ok, though I have my moments. I’m getting so much support from friends and family. Everyone has been so lovely.
I wrote and read the Eulogy for Kevin at the service. I had done the same at my Dad’s funeral in 2002 and earlier this year for my Mum, so I couldn’t NOT do this for Kevin. It was after all the last thing I’ll ever do for him. Several people have asked for a copy of it, so I thought I’d post it here. My early thoughts immediately following his death in my previous post formed the start of it.
Kevin was born on December 23, 1957 in Blackpool, the son of David and Wyn. He was never a great fan of Christmas having that birthday! He was followed by his sister Jane in 1961. As he grew up in a time when children ranged freely, he would go off for hours at a time exploring and knew about every pond in the area and what creatures lived there. He would also go fishing. Both became lifelong interests. Kevin was brought up in the Catholic Church and became an altar boy for a time, though not a particularly good one. Swinging the thurifer (that holds burning incense) rather too enthusiastically during a service, some of the contents spilt and burnt a hole in the church carpet!
When he was a little older, the family moved to Blackburn. The fishing continued, this time on the canal. He enjoyed his time at St Mary’s College in Blackburn rather more than the very strict St Josephs in Blackpool. The school owned a property in the Lake District and ran weekend trips for the students. Kevin loved the hill walking particularly and completed the Coast to Coast Walk and the Pennine Way.
After A Levels he attended Newcastle University to study Zoology. Thoroughly embracing student life, he got into climbing and caving, joined the Entertainments committee for his hall of residence, sold the student newspaper and made lifelong friends. After graduating, he did a teaching course at Sheffield University, joining the entertainments committee that put on the concerts and discos in the Students Union. He once introduced U2 live on stage (they were only a lowly support act at the time, but it’s still a great claim to fame!) Teaching was not for Kevin – the teaching practice he had to do as part of his course sealed that, so he returned to his family, but travelled back to Sheffield every weekend to work on concerts with his Ents friends. That’s how we met and how live music has been a shared interest ever since.
As we got to know each other I found out that we were both science and nature nerds. When we first got together and he was walking me home one night, the entire conversation was about worms. It was quite a revelation to actually meet someone who knew the difference between a platyhelminth and an annelid (that’s a flatworm and a segmented worm, so now you know too).
Love blossomed. I’m told that on one of his early visits with my family, my mother asked my brother if he thought that Kevin was ‘The One’ as we certainly had a lot in common. “Aye,” he replied. “They’re both weird.” Meeting my rather loud extended family must have been quite a shock to him when I think about it.
Over the next few years, Kevin split his time between Sheffield and Lancashire – he completed a postgrad course in Preston and had jobs with a Housing Association and the Probation Service. He bought a house in Blackburn. By now he had proposed. I never got a proper down on one knee proposal. We were at a Big Country gig and he suggested we got engaged.
Kevin could at times be very romantic however. I had mentioned that I’d always wanted a four poster bed. He surprised me by actually building one, complete with drapes!
We married in 1987 and honeymooned in North West Scotland, which bas been our favourite holiday destination ever since. We set up home together in Blackburn in the little terraced house house with the big four poster bed and acquired our first dog, Fergie the Beagle. It was here that Kevin first developed his interest in gardening, digging up the concrete in the tiny front garden and back yard. By the time we moved to our next house. We had a resident nesting robin, a pond with frogs and the estate agent described it in the listing as “an attractive walled garden”. We both nurtured our love of wildlfe, volunteering in the local country park, joining the conservation volunteers and with local bat and newt conservation groups. We joined the quiz team at our local pub. During this time we both began working for local government, doing community development work.
We moved to a bigger house and not long after that in 1992, our daughter Caitlin was born.
We moved again, to a new house in Burnley and Calum came along in 1998.
Kevin was a wonderful father to our children. Being a good dad was very important to him. As soon as they were old enough to sit up in the back back, the children accompanied Kevin on the walks in the Country park and when Calum was a tiny baby, always concious that Caitlin might feel left out, he’d take her off for the day on “adventures” in the countryside. As the children grew up, most weekends would include a day out to somewhere of interest. It might be a nice walk, or a visit to a museum or a zoo, but there was always something.
Watching children’s TV when Caitlin and Calum were small, everytime Blue Peter came on, Kevin recalled how he had won a Blue Peter Badge, but had sadly lost it. I ended up writing a begging letter to the programme and presented him with a brand new Blue Peter badge on his 40th birthday. But Kevin got me some pretty original presents over the years too: a fishing rod and reel, a microscope, an inflatable canoe all spring to mind.
In 2002 we moved to Northumberland, something we’d wanted to do for a long time . I’ve always loved it here and Kevin got to know it as a student. However, we both needed to work and when, we got job offers in the area within 3 days of each other, it seemed meant to be. We moved in with my Mum in Swarland until our house in Shilbottle was ready to move into some 10 months later. Mum adored Kevin and doted on her grandchildren so it worked well and helped her get through the period immediately after my father died. As she got older Kevin became more involved in helping me look after her when she was ill, doing odd things round the house and doing shopping for her and my aunt.
We all thrived here. Kevin rekindled his love of sea fishing. We joined the local village drama group – Kevin found himself behind the mixing desk again, just like his student days and kept us all entertained with amusing sound effects. The sound of a pneumatic drill in a scene involving dental surgery was one of the highlights
The stage effects didn’t end there. Every Halloween Kevin would decorate the front of the house, with pumpkins, ghosts, gravestones, witches, rats, bats, a steaming cauldron and a remote controlled tarantula along with the obligatory spooky sound effects. This attracted loads of trick or treaters and their parents. He absolutely loved it (still hated Christmas though!)
We worked long hours but there was always one of us to put the children to bed. Kevin’s work with community groups and parish councils took him all over Northumberland and he developed an encyclopaedic knowledge of the County. He quickly got to know everything about the geography and history of every village he had dealings with, so trips out in the car were an education. Then there was the local wildlife – there were always binoculars in the car and a collection of identification books to hand.He adored the Northumbrian landscape, from the upland moors and forestry..
… to the coastal whin sill, beaches and cliffs.
Kevin was proud to see our children thrive here and grow into the amazing adults they have become – he adored them and always wanted the best for them.
In 2015 we acquired a new family member, Buddy the labrador. I had just taken medical retirement and we’d always said that we could only get another dog when one of us left work – the long hours simply wouldn’t allow it (despite the children’s protestations). Kevin took early retirement the following year and was able to give Buddy longer walks than me – they absolutely adored each other and walked at least five miles most days, usually on the beach, carefully avoiding the places popular with tourists so Buddy wouldn’t steal picnics.
Being retired enabled more fishing time and thanks to Caitlin’s previous job with a fishing tackle company and a great staff discount, Kevin acquired an enormous collection of fishing gear. He also had a boat for a while, The Isla Mia, which brought a new dimension to the fishing, along with a freezer full of mackerel.
This was not a problem as Kevin was an accomplished cook. He particularly loved seafood (though to be fair many of the fish he caught were too small to keep for the pot).
With friends who shoot he also had a ready supply of game and loved experimenting with new recipes for it.
Another passion of Kevin’s has been following the Percy hounds, very nearly every day they are out since he retired. He has loved visiting places off the beaten track, the traditions involved and the friends he has made.
More recently he got involved with the Alumni Network at Newcastle University. He was a proud Newcastle Graduate and was enjoying the opportunity to give back.
Kevin was a man of strong opinions. He could be a bit of a keyboard warrior at times. I always used to say that he had gone seamlessly from angry young man to grumpy old man. We’d always wind him up about this and over the years the children had given him countless “Grumpy Old Man” tshirts, mugs and other items.
One of the many things I loved about Kevin was the way he has always seen past my disability and health issues and made me feel good about myself. I came to rely on him more and more as my carer in recent years as my mobility has deteriorated. He would always make sure my scooter batteries were charged and knew the perfect way to help me up steps. He did all the cooking and the gardening and loads round the house. He never questioned this – he just did it out of sheer love.
Mind you, there was an unexpected perk. As a disabled customer going to a concert I’d be entitled to a free companion ticket so in recent years we’d been to loads of gigs.
We had so many plans: holidays, work on the house, more concerts. We were off for a couple of days in Yorkshire the day Kevin died. He’d been unwell, but described his symptoms as being flu-like – he was always in denial about being ill. We now believe he’d had a minor heart attack, followed by another early that morning. He did not want me to call the ambulance but I did. He seemed ok in the hospital, sat up in bed chatting to me, posting online, but later that afternoon he collapsed and despite the efforts of the medical team could not be resuscitated.
And now he’s gone. I’m angry, I’m lost. We are all devastated that he’s been taken from us far far too soon. There’s an enormous empty hole in our lives where Kevin should be. We don’t know what our lives will look like without this loving, caring, opinionated, sometimes grumpy, complicated, wonderful man.
But I’m also so very lucky. Lucky that we met, that we spent so many wonderful years together. That there was so much love in my life. That he has given me the two most fantastic children from whom I draw great strength and Kevin would be so proud of them. He was my best friend, my soul mate. Kevin Bartlett: I love you. I always will.
Today was the funeral of my lovely Mum, Gillian. I wrote and delivered this eulogy at the service we held for her today.
My Mum, Gillian was born in Newcastle on 15th February 1937, the first child of Ken and Wyn Holloway. I’m told that her form of the name (Gillian with a hard G) came from a character in a book that my grandmother had read. Mum was followed by her brothers: Peter in 1941 and Michael in 1946 .
Some of Mum’s earliest memories are of WWII. Once, on hearing a news broadcast on the wireless, she asked her mother if there was any news on the radio when there was no war on. During an air raid she huddled under the stairs with her mother who was holding her baby brother Peter. My Granny prayed, “God save my babies”, over and over again – that always makes me want to cry. The children spent happier times when, accompanied by their mother and cousins, Pat and Michael Porter and Anita, they were evacuated to the village of Ingoe, where they stayed in a very spartan cottage – there was no running water, just a hand pump at the end of a very steep lane, but they loved the countryside.
After the war the family enjoyed holidays on the coast and fell in love with Newton-by-the- Sea. My grandfather rented and later bought a secluded former quarry, a beautiful sheltered spot, where a series of family caravans have been sited ever since. The children spent idyllic summers there and on the beach.
Mum attended Newcastle Church High School, where she enjoyed sport (apparently she once accidently knocked out the games mistress with a hockey stick). She was in the South North’land Tennis Club .She also learnt to play the piano to a high standard. It was while she was still a schoolgirl that Mum first noticed my dad.
The family would go along to watch my grandfather compete in motorcycle trials There was a handsome young competitor, a rising star in the sport named Arthur Brown. Mum was smitten!
Mum left school after O levels, doing well in most subjects, including Latin – her party piece was to recite Humpty Dumpty in Latin. Mum did fail her geography O level though, which my Dad teased her about a lot – when they were out in the car it’s amazing that they ever reached a destination because he’d never ask her to navigate and he (typical man) would never ask for directions.
After school Mum went to commercial college and trained as a secretary. Her first job was at Martins Bank, after that she worked at was to become Proctor and Gamble – Mum became secretary to the Marketing Director. and was there when they developed the jingle for “mild green Fairy Liquid” She actually knew the second verse to that.
By this time Mum and Dad were going out. My grandfather was not exactly supportive at first (nobody was good enough for his daughter) – sometimes Dad took Mum to the same pub that my grandparents visited, always picking secluded seats by the back door for a quick getaway if the bar staff tipped them off that her parents had come in the front.
Mum and Dad married in 1958 and set up home in South Shields, where Dad was born and worked. Mum continued to work at Proctor and Gamble until I came along in 1960. My brother Chris arrived 3 years later. My parents first home was in Leafield Crescent, and a few years later they moved to Harton Grove. We had lovely neighbours in both places. When we were very small there were coffee mornings with lots of other small children and their Mums, Nan would babysit on Thursday night and my parents would have a night out. I also have lovely memories Mum taking us to the beach at South Shields, summers spent at Newton by the Sea and family holidays in Scotland and sailing on the Norfolk Broads.
On one sailing holiday the boat ran aground, Mum jumped ashore to push the boat off, but as she did so a gust of wind filled the sails and off went went leaving her behind. She was soon picked up by a motor cruiser which caught up alongside and Mum leapt gracefully from one boat to the other. It was so exciting
As we got older, Mum joined Dad working in the family motorcycle business, his father began, running the office and serving in the shop. She still managed to be home when we got back from school though. She looked after us and Dad and our pets (the guinea pigs, gerbils , hamsters, tortoise, fish) – the dog, Brett was all hers though.
Alongside all this she was also involved in the local church and, when my brother joined the scouts, Mum became heavily involved in a parents fundraising group, organising events like jumble sales and some rather raucous but very well supported cheese and wine parties …..and the scouts all the camping equipment they needed.
By this time Dad had joined the Rotary Club and Mum became a founder member of Harton Inner Wheel, resulting in more great friends. I’m told the conferences were particularly good fun, down to the great company of her fellow Inner Wheel ladies – she continued to meet them for lunch every month.
In the 1980’s Mum and Dad sold the business and both worked for the Motor Agents Association. Mum’s role was as a monitoring officer for a Youth Training Scheme. She checked up on trainees as they attended college and work placements, as mechanics, car salespeople and other roles in the industry, and soon became a familiar figure on garage forecourts and car showrooms across the area She told me that she’d feel so proud when years later, taking her car in for a service she meet a former trainee who’d done well following the scheme.
She became a mother in law for the first time when Kevin and I married in 1987. My only regret about our wedding is that we missed the after party. While we were travelling to our honeymoon destination, Harton Grove was partying hard. I’ve seen the photographs.
The following year Mum and Dad moved to Swarland. It was a carefully thought out choice, being close to the A1 for easy travel and near the coast, but just about out of reach of the sea fret. They loved it, totally embracing village life. They joined the golf club, Mum got Russ the labrador. She helped to run the Brownies (where she was known as Grey Owl), organised front of house for the drama group and joined the church here at Felton, helping with the flowers . She also rekindled her love of music singing in choirs, most recently the Bridge Singers.
Mum was a devoted grandmother to Caitlin and Calum. Whenever we visited for a weekend and arrived late on a Friday night, Mum would insist on chasing me and Kevin out to the Pub, however tired we were “Because I know you don’t get out much just the two of you”. Then she’d relish getting the children ready for bed and reading them stories. When the children were older they would come on longer visits without us, which they absolutely loved. Mum would make their favourites: apple pie, green jelly. And there was the magic turtle – a tiny ornament that would mysteriously fill up with sweeties when you weren’t looking.
Importantly, Mum made wonderful friends in the village and had the best of neighbours. The kettle was always on and the gin and tonics were always available, they even had a gate between their garden and that of their neighbours Hazel and Trevor, which saved time when they shared refreshments in the garden.
My brother Chris married Christine 2003. Ever the optimist, Mum had become convinced they would announce their engagement long before they actually did. In fact a bottle of champagne was put in and out of the fridge every time they visited over several months until it could be opened to celebrate properly
Mum looked after my father when he became ill. His death in 2002, not long after her own father’s death, hit Mum very hard, but she told me that if his death had to happen, at least it happened in Swarland, the place where they had been so happy and she was surrounded by so much love and support.
When we moved up here that Christmas it gave Mum the boost she needed .She looked after us too, and was delighted to be able to spend so much time with her beloved grandchildren.
The following Christmas Mum threw the first of her legendary Swarland parties. I think initially she wanted to do it as a thank you for all the support everyone had given her, but it soon became an annual event, with food, drink (the Strictly Final usually) and lots of friends and their offspring. Someone once told me that Christmas wasn’t really Christmas until Gillian’s Party.
Mum loved to travel. Holidays with Dad included Hawaii, California and Crete. Later she went on some epic trips with her sister in law Pat, to India, China, Canada and Alaska, South Africa and more, experiencing the Taj Mahal, The Great Wall, dog sleds and and safari. When this started we began to refer to it as Gillian’s Gap Year, but the travel went on longer than that. Pat told me about when they went to Thailand for a wedding. The Buddhist monks arrived to officiate and sat cross legged on the floor. Mum, always wishing to repect customs and culture sat down cross legged too. Only then the translator said the English visitors didn’t have to and she wondered how she’d get back up.
She also had some great holidays with her dear friend Margaret. They visited a number of European cities and went ski-ing in La Tania in the French Alps with my brother, Chris. She was extremely proud that she finally got her pensioners free lift pass aged 75. She also travelled to the USA for her niece, Julia’s wedding and then again in 2016 to visit her brother Michael and his wife Donna.
Mum’s health declined 6 years ago following an unusual mental illness. This came as a huge shock to all of us as Mum has always been the most grounded, level , calm person, and an absolute rock to so many. She recovered from this, though was frailer than before and then the symptoms resurfaced in 2022. Again she recovered but was frailer again. With the support of some wonderful carers she was able to continue to live in her own home in Swarland, the place she and Dad loved so much.
Mum had been really enjoying February. It was her turn to host our book club and we had a lovely evening. We drove to South Shields to have lunch with the Inner Wheel Ladies AND she celebrated her 87th birthday, with a family meal at the Cook and Barker. As usual, Mum ordered her favourite fish and chips, complained that it was far too big, before demolishing it, and dessert… and birthday cake! It was a wonderful evening. She was looking forward to meeting up with her nieces Judy and Wendy and great nieces Lauren and Juliet the following month.
Mum passed away suddenly on 23rd February. We had seen her ealier in the day and she was in good spirits. It’s still sinking in that she’s gone. I keep thinking “oh I must tell Mum about that” – I bet I’m not the only one.
As I wrote this there seemed to be some common themes running through Mum’s long, well-lived life. They make me think we should all be more like her.
She loved her family more than anything
She cared, and continued to care for all of us, whenever we needed her,
always putting others before herself . She could always be depended on and was everyone’s rock
She valued friendship and kept in touch with friends that she’d made at every stage of her life
She had a great sense of adventure and a wicked sense of humour
She was one of the most positive people I have ever known, always seeing the best in people and finding something good in even the worst of situations.
Stitches by the Sea 