19 Days Without Kevin

It’s 19 days since Kevin died and three days since his funeral. I’m doing ok, though I have my moments. I’m getting so much support from friends and family. Everyone has been so lovely.

I wrote and read the Eulogy for Kevin at the service. I had done the same at my Dad’s funeral in 2002 and earlier this year for my Mum, so I couldn’t NOT do this for Kevin. It was after all the last thing I’ll ever do for him. Several people have asked for a copy of it, so I thought I’d post it here. My early thoughts immediately following his death in my previous post formed the start of it.

Kevin was born on December 23, 1957 in Blackpool, the son of David and Wyn. He was never a great fan of Christmas having that birthday! He was followed by his sister Jane in 1961. As he grew up in a time when children ranged freely, he would go off for hours at a time exploring and knew about every pond in the area and what creatures lived there. He would also go fishing. Both became lifelong interests. Kevin was brought up in the Catholic Church and became an altar boy for a time, though not a particularly good one. Swinging the thurifer (that holds burning incense) rather too enthusiastically during a service, some of the contents spilt and burnt a hole in the church carpet!

When he was a little older, the family moved to Blackburn. The fishing continued, this time on the canal. He enjoyed his time at St Mary’s College in Blackburn rather more than the very strict St Josephs in Blackpool. The school owned a property in the Lake District and ran weekend trips for the students. Kevin loved the hill walking particularly and completed the Coast to Coast Walk and the Pennine Way.

After A Levels he attended Newcastle University to study Zoology. Thoroughly embracing student life, he got into climbing and caving, joined the Entertainments committee for his hall of residence, sold the student newspaper and made lifelong friends. After graduating, he did a teaching course at Sheffield University, joining the entertainments committee that put on the concerts and discos in the Students Union. He once introduced U2 live on stage (they were only a lowly support act at the time, but it’s still a great claim to fame!) Teaching was not for Kevin – the teaching practice he had to do as part of his course sealed that, so he returned to his family, but travelled back to Sheffield every weekend to work on concerts with his Ents friends. That’s how we met and how live music has been a shared interest ever since.

As we got to know each other I found out that we were both science and nature nerds. When we first got together and he was walking me home one night, the entire conversation was about worms. It was quite a revelation to actually meet someone who knew the difference between a platyhelminth and an annelid (that’s a flatworm and a segmented worm, so now you know too).  

Love blossomed. I’m told that on one of his early visits with my family, my mother asked my brother if he thought that Kevin was ‘The One’ as we certainly had a lot in common. “Aye,” he replied. “They’re both weird.” Meeting my rather loud extended family must have been quite a shock to him when I think about it.

Over the next few years, Kevin split his time between Sheffield and Lancashire – he completed a postgrad course in Preston and had jobs with a Housing Association and the Probation Service. He bought a house in Blackburn. By now he had proposed. I never got a proper down on one knee proposal. We were at a Big Country gig and he suggested we got engaged.

Kevin could at times be very romantic however. I had mentioned that I’d always wanted a four poster bed. He surprised me by actually building one, complete with drapes! 

We married in 1987 and honeymooned in North West Scotland, which bas been our favourite holiday destination ever since. We set up home together in Blackburn in the little terraced house house with the big four poster bed and acquired our first dog, Fergie the Beagle. It was here that Kevin first developed his interest in gardening, digging up the concrete in the tiny front garden and back yard. By the time we moved to our next house. We had a resident nesting robin, a pond with frogs and the estate agent described it in the listing as “an attractive walled garden”. We both nurtured our love of wildlfe, volunteering in the local country park, joining the conservation volunteers and with local bat and newt conservation groups. We joined the quiz team at our local pub. During this time we both began working for local government, doing community development work. 

We moved to a bigger house and not long after that in 1992, our daughter Caitlin was born.

We moved again, to a new house in Burnley and Calum came along in 1998.

Kevin was a wonderful father to our children. Being a good dad was very important to him. As soon as they were old enough to sit up in the back back, the children accompanied Kevin on the walks in the Country park and when Calum was a tiny baby, always concious that Caitlin might feel left out, he’d take her off for the day on “adventures” in the countryside. As the children grew up, most weekends would include a day out to somewhere of interest. It might be a nice walk, or a visit to a museum or a zoo, but there was always something.

Watching children’s TV when Caitlin and Calum were small, everytime Blue Peter came on, Kevin recalled how he had won a Blue Peter Badge, but had sadly lost it. I ended up writing a begging letter to the programme and presented him with a brand new Blue Peter badge on his 40^th birthday. But Kevin got me some pretty original presents over the years too: a fishing rod and reel, a microscope, an inflatable canoe all spring to mind.

In 2002 we moved to Northumberland, something we’d wanted to do for a long time . I’ve always loved it here and Kevin got to know it as a student. However, we both needed to work and when, we got job offers in the area within 3 days of each other, it seemed meant to be. We moved in with my Mum in Swarland until our house in Shilbottle was ready to move into some 10 months later. Mum adored Kevin and doted on her grandchildren so it worked well and helped her get through the period immediately after my father died. As she got older Kevin became more involved in helping me look after her when she was ill, doing odd things round the house and doing shopping for her and my aunt.

We all thrived here. Kevin rekindled his love of sea fishing. We joined the local village drama group – Kevin found himself behind the mixing desk again, just like his student days and kept us all entertained with amusing sound effects. The sound of a pneumatic drill in a scene involving dental surgery was one of the highlights 

The stage effects didn’t end there. Every Halloween Kevin would decorate the front of the house, with pumpkins, ghosts, gravestones, witches, rats, bats, a steaming cauldron and a remote controlled tarantula along with the obligatory spooky sound effects. This attracted loads of trick or treaters and their parents. He absolutely loved it (still hated Christmas though!)

We worked long hours but there was always one of us to put the children to bed. Kevin’s work with community groups and parish councils took him all over Northumberland and he developed an encyclopaedic knowledge of the County. He quickly got to know everything about the geography and history of every village he had dealings with, so trips out in the car were an education. Then there was the local wildlife – there were always binoculars in the car and a collection of identification books to hand.He adored the Northumbrian landscape, from the upland moors and forestry..

… to the coastal whin sill, beaches and cliffs. 

Kevin was proud to see our children thrive here and grow into the amazing adults they have become – he adored them and always wanted the best for them. 

In 2015 we acquired a new family member, Buddy the labrador. I had just taken medical retirement and we’d always said that we could only get another dog when one of us left work – the long hours simply wouldn’t allow it (despite the children’s protestations). Kevin took early retirement the following year and was able to give Buddy longer walks than me – they absolutely adored each other and walked at least five miles most days, usually on the beach, carefully avoiding the places popular with tourists so Buddy wouldn’t steal picnics.

Being retired enabled more fishing time and thanks to Caitlin’s previous job with a fishing tackle company and a great staff discount, Kevin acquired an enormous collection of fishing gear. He also had a boat for a while, The Isla Mia, which brought a new dimension to the fishing, along with a freezer full of mackerel.

This was not a problem as Kevin was an accomplished cook. He particularly loved seafood (though to be fair many of the fish he caught were too small to keep for the pot).

With friends who shoot he also had a ready supply of game and loved experimenting with new recipes for it.

Another passion of Kevin’s has been following the Percy hounds, very nearly every day they are out since he retired. He has loved visiting places off the beaten track, the traditions involved and the friends he has made. 

More recently he got involved with the Alumni Network at Newcastle University. He was a proud Newcastle Graduate and was enjoying the opportunity to give back.

Kevin was a man of strong opinions. He could be a bit of a keyboard warrior at times. I always used to say that he had gone seamlessly from angry young man to grumpy old man. We’d always wind him up about this and over the years the children had given him countless “Grumpy Old Man” tshirts, mugs and other items.

One of the many things I loved about Kevin was the way he has always seen past my disability and health issues and made me feel good about myself. I came to rely on him more and more as my carer in recent years as my mobility has deteriorated. He would always make sure my scooter batteries were charged and knew the perfect way to help me up steps. He did all the cooking and the gardening and loads round the house. He never questioned this – he just did it out of sheer love.

Mind you, there was an unexpected perk. As a disabled customer going to a concert I’d be entitled to a free companion ticket so in recent years we’d been to loads of gigs.

We had so many plans: holidays, work on the house, more concerts. We were off for a couple of days in Yorkshire the day Kevin died. He’d been unwell, but described his symptoms as being flu-like – he was always in denial about being ill. We now believe he’d had a minor heart attack, followed by another early that morning. He did not want me to call the ambulance but I did. He seemed ok in the hospital, sat up in bed chatting to me, posting online, but later that afternoon he collapsed and despite the efforts of the medical team could not be resuscitated.

And now he’s gone. I’m angry, I’m lost. We are all devastated that he’s been taken from us far far too soon. There’s an enormous empty hole in our lives where Kevin should be. We don’t know what our lives will look like without this loving, caring, opinionated, sometimes grumpy, complicated, wonderful man.

But I’m also so very lucky. Lucky that we met, that we spent so many wonderful years together. That there was so much love in my life. That he has given me the two most fantastic children from whom I draw great strength and Kevin would be so proud of them. He was my best friend, my soul mate. Kevin Bartlett: I love you. I always will.