A Year Without Kevin

Today is the first anniversary of Kevin’s death. It’s made me reflect on the last year and how things have changed. Of course I still miss him every day, but the pain isn’t as raw as it was. I do still have the occasional wobble, for example if something has happened that I’d just love to tell him about.

I felt quite numb for those first few weeks. I buried myself in a complicated piece of knitting that required enough concentration to distract me from thinking about what had happened. Friends brought food and visited to check up on me. I gradually got through the “sadmin” : all those things that you have to do when someone dies.

Son and Daughter have been amazing. He still lives here and has taken over the care of Buddy the dog (who seemed to become totally fixated on Son). Daughter checks up on me almost daily and is over here regularly to help out with stuff.

They say that things happen for a reason. My mother died just over six weeks before Kevin – in many ways it prepared me for what was to come – registering the death, planning the funeral and so on. Most importantly I was kept very busy for those first few months, as we cleared my mother’s house. Keeping busy really helped. The house sold very quickly and that really put the pressure on, but we did it. I brought quite a bit of stuff back to mine, including 10 boxes of photographs and slides and I’m still going through those. Some of the items I will sell when I get round to it but not yet.

I learnt how to cook again. Kevin had done all the cooking for many years and he was really good at it. I’m getting better at batch cooking single portions and filling the freezer with those. Spending more time on my feet really brought my disability into painfully sharp focus, so I’ve really tried to do what I can to make things easier – I sought medical help which has led to me getting ankle supports and insoles to stabilise my feet and ankles. I’m using various aids around the house and in the longer term getting some adaptations made to home and garden to make things more manageable.

Someone who lost her husband some years ago gave me what has turned out to be a great pice of advice. She told me to never turn down an invitation. And I haven’t! It would be so easy to decline and say you aren’t up to it, but then it gets harder to say “yes” and I suppose eventually people would stop inviting you.

When Kevin was alive we always had our own interests as well as the things we enjoyed together. I gradually returned to all my usual activities: book club, choir, ukulele, my various craft groups and crochet teaching. This has kept me busy and involved: everyone has been so kind. I am truly blessed to have so many lovely friends and neighbours who are always there for me when I need their help. I have also continued to go to gigs, initially those we had already purchased tickets for, that Kevin would had gone to. Again, my lovely friends have supported me and come with me to concerts – of course I always think about Kevin and wonder what he would have thought of every performance but it doesn’t stop me enjoying them. I have more tickets booked for this year, though I haven’t quite caught up with my reviews on here. My blog has suffered a fair bit – time just gets away from me.

There have been some particularly difficult times over the year. Christmas was hard. I found myself signing Christmas cards from both of us and tearing them up. I realised when cards addressed to us both arrived that there were some people that didn’t know Kevin had died so I had to let them know. On Christmas Day itself there was no way I could recreate the wonderful roast goose that Kevin used to cook so Son, Daughter and I went out for lunch at a local restaurant, which was lovely, then to friends for drinks and a very enjoyable afternoon.

As life without Kevin has taken shape I have some new adventures to look forward to. In a couple of weeks I’m going on my first cruise, along with Daughter, my brother and his wife (they have been a great support too) . It was something I always fancied trying but I would never have got Kevin anywhere near a cruise ship. Next year sees an even bigger adventure. I’m going to Costa Rica for 11 days, joining a group tour with Limitless Travel, who specialise in making holidays accessible for disabled travellers.

I’m doing ok, and part of that is developing a “sink or swim” mentality. To a point I know that I have to keep going and I’m scared of going under but in doing that I have found more resilience than I ever knew I was capable of. I would also want to make him proud of me. I know that he would want me to live the best life I can possibly can. I’m giving it my best shot!