Saying Goodbye to Mum (2)

I’ve heard that writing can be used as a form of therapy and self-indulgent as it might be, since the planning of my Mum’s funeral has taken up most of my headspace over the last couple of weeks, I do feel the need to write about it now.

For most of us, planning a funeral is something that we may have to do only once or twice in our lives if we are lucky. We want to do what our loved one would have wanted, often second guessing them as few leave behind plans to be followed. It’s certainly made me think about what I want to happen when the time comes, and how to make my wishes known to my family.

In arranging Mum’s funeral, all we knew was that she wanted to be cremated and to have a Christian service, so we came up with something that was in line with her faith, but at the same time very personal.

We agreed on a traditional funeral service at the church she attended for many years, St Michael and All Angels, Felton, followed by a short cremation service at the nearby Bockenfield Crematorium. Both the vicar, Rev Richard Townend and our funeral director, Kevin Foster gave us lots of help and support, which was greatly needed, having never done this before and not being either church goers or particularly religious. I asked my aunt about hymns (she used to attend church with my mum) and the vicar advised us on readings.

The church is a beautiful old building dating back to around 1200 (you can read more about its history here). My brother and I visited it a couple of weeks before the funeral as we hadn’t been for ages. One of the reasons we wanted to do this was to check out the access as ancient buildings are not always the easiest for disabled visitors. The main path up to the church has some steep and uneven sections, so we decided to borrow a wheelchair for my aunt and that I would use my mobility scooter. The funeral director was able to obtain the wheelchair and ensured that there was space in the back of the funeral car for a folding scooter. There is a portable ramp at the steps into the church.

The church has kept up with the times , despite its medievals origins, to make it a more flexible space. A glass wall was erected to divide off the back of the church and this has created a soundproof space with all sorts of functions: it is used by the Sunday School children and to serve refreshments after services, with a hatch into the kitchen. Other additions to the church are toilets, a sound system and large screen tv. All have been added very sensitively and don’t detract at all from the old stonework and stained glass windows.

Mum used to help with the flowers at church. She used to tell me how there were no flowers during Lent, then the church would be lit up with daffodils and other spring flowers on Easter Sunday. With this in mind we decided on flowers on the coffin only. Local florist Polly Smith of Polly’s Petals, an old school friend of my daughter made the most beautiful arrangement.

We met her during the saddest time, during the week after Mum’s death and spent a lovely hour with Polly by the wood-burning stove in the cabin where she works. Polly’s style is very much inspired by nature. The spray she created resembles a spring meadow, including tulips, ranunculus, spray and tea roses, iris, lizianthus and anemones, in shades of pink, purple and white with complementary foliage. The peachy pink roses were like my Dad’s favourite peach rose in the garden.

The. arrangement was made in four sections, each to be taken home afterwards by female close family members. Polly sets the flowers in moss rather than florists foam, which is plastic based and does not break down. She also planted surprises among the moss, some white crocus bulbs, just starting to sprout, which can be taken out and planted in the garden later.

Polly was an absolute pleasure to deal with, so kind at all times. She took all our requests on board and made suggestions of her own. She even had sample flowers to show us when we visited to give us an idea of what is in season and what she’d most likely be using. The result was stunning.

Music was important to my mum. She learnt to play the piano as a child and reached a high standard. She sang in choirs for many years, most recently The Bridge Singers, who played an important role in the service, their ranks swelled by the Swarland Community Choir. In the half hour before the service, as people were arriving, they sang a selection of songs, including some of Mum’s favourites. Notes of the song list and the reasons they were included were placed around the church.

The Choir also provided a lovely alternative to the more traditional organ music to accompany the congregational hymns. People were given the option of joining in or sitting to listen to the choir’s harmonies and contemplate the words. Their versions of “All Things Bright and Beautiful” and “How Great Thou Art” were beautiful. Their rendition of the very Scottish folk song, The Parting Glass, a favourite of Mum’s was very moving. I’m so grateful to the choirs and Musical Director Cheryl Camm for everything they did to make Mum’s service so special.

We have extended family and friends all over the world, including in India, Australia and the USA, as well as throughout the UK. Distance, health issues, work and other commitments made it impossible for quite a number of people to travel to the funeral. At the suggestion of one of my cousins, we arranged for the funeral to be live-streamed , with the option of watching later. Dejavu Video did a superb job – the videographer was unobtrusive and the video quality was excellent. I’ve had some great feedback from those who watched it. You can see it here.

As well as the eulogy I read, other personal touches were a favourite poem of Mum’s, Sea Fever by John Masefield read by my brother and the bible verses read by my daughter. I was so proud of them both for getting through it. Also, a lovely lady who is an ordained minister, and knew Mum said prayers.

Over 80 people attended the church, after which immediate family went to a brief cremation ceremony at nearby Bockenfield Crematorium. This has been open for quite a short time: a much needed facility in this area. It is very well designed, simple and airy, with covered space outside and speakers in case the numbers overflow and a covered walkway for family to meet guestsafter the service, There are even comfortable sofas for close family at the front. The centrepiece is a beautiful antique wrought iron farm cart, that acts as a bier for the coffin.

A recording of one of Mum’s favourite piano pieces, Chopin’s Nocturne No.2 in E flat played as we went in, and Louis Armstrong’s “We Have All the Time in the World” played at the end, as it did at my Dad’s cremation.

Following that we joined the guests at The Northumberland Arms, Felton for refreshments. They had been a pleasure to deal with too and served a delicious hot and cold buffet.

It was an emotional, long day, but it went off without a hitch and it was lovely to share memories of Mum with family and friends, old and new. She would have loved it!