Tag: bereavement

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A Year Without Kevin

Posted on by Jackie B

Today is the first anniversary of Kevin’s death. It’s made me reflect on the last year and how things have changed. Of course I still miss him every day, but the pain isn’t as raw as it was. I do still have the occasional wobble, for example if something has happened that I’d just love to tell him about.

I felt quite numb for those first few weeks. I buried myself in a complicated piece of knitting that required enough concentration to distract me from thinking about what had happened. Friends brought food and visited to check up on me. I gradually got through the “sadmin” : all those things that you have to do when someone dies.

Son and Daughter have been amazing. He still lives here and has taken over the care of Buddy the dog (who seemed to become totally fixated on Son). Daughter checks up on me almost daily and is over here regularly to help out with stuff.

They say that things happen for a reason. My mother died just over six weeks before Kevin – in many ways it prepared me for what was to come – registering the death, planning the funeral and so on. Most importantly I was kept very busy for those first few months, as we cleared my mother’s house. Keeping busy really helped. The house sold very quickly and that really put the pressure on, but we did it. I brought quite a bit of stuff back to mine, including 10 boxes of photographs and slides and I’m still going through those. Some of the items I will sell when I get round to it but not yet.

I learnt how to cook again. Kevin had done all the cooking for many years and he was really good at it. I’m getting better at batch cooking single portions and filling the freezer with those. Spending more time on my feet really brought my disability into painfully sharp focus, so I’ve really tried to do what I can to make things easier – I sought medical help which has led to me getting ankle supports and insoles to stabilise my feet and ankles. I’m using various aids around the house and in the longer term getting some adaptations made to home and garden to make things more manageable.

Someone who lost her husband some years ago gave me what has turned out to be a great pice of advice. She told me to never turn down an invitation. And I haven’t! It would be so easy to decline and say you aren’t up to it, but then it gets harder to say “yes” and I suppose eventually people would stop inviting you.

When Kevin was alive we always had our own interests as well as the things we enjoyed together. I gradually returned to all my usual activities: book club, choir, ukulele, my various craft groups and crochet teaching. This has kept me busy and involved: everyone has been so kind. I am truly blessed to have so many lovely friends and neighbours who are always there for me when I need their help. I have also continued to go to gigs, initially those we had already purchased tickets for, that Kevin would had gone to. Again, my lovely friends have supported me and come with me to concerts – of course I always think about Kevin and wonder what he would have thought of every performance but it doesn’t stop me enjoying them. I have more tickets booked for this year, though I haven’t quite caught up with my reviews on here. My blog has suffered a fair bit – time just gets away from me.

There have been some particularly difficult times over the year. Christmas was hard. I found myself signing Christmas cards from both of us and tearing them up. I realised when cards addressed to us both arrived that there were some people that didn’t know Kevin had died so I had to let them know. On Christmas Day itself there was no way I could recreate the wonderful roast goose that Kevin used to cook so Son, Daughter and I went out for lunch at a local restaurant, which was lovely, then to friends for drinks and a very enjoyable afternoon.

As life without Kevin has taken shape I have some new adventures to look forward to. In a couple of weeks I’m going on my first cruise, along with Daughter, my brother and his wife (they have been a great support too) . It was something I always fancied trying but I would never have got Kevin anywhere near a cruise ship. Next year sees an even bigger adventure. I’m going to Costa Rica for 11 days, joining a group tour with Limitless Travel, who specialise in making holidays accessible for disabled travellers.

I’m doing ok, and part of that is developing a “sink or swim” mentality. To a point I know that I have to keep going and I’m scared of going under but in doing that I have found more resilience than I ever knew I was capable of. I would also want to make him proud of me. I know that he would want me to live the best life I can possibly can. I’m giving it my best shot!

Posted in disability access at music venues, gig review

Gig Review: Jethro Tull

Posted on by Jackie B

The Glasshouse, 2 May 2024

The gigs continue. This was one of several pairs of tickets I’d got for Kevin for his Birthday. Of course these are the best gifts because I ‘d get to go too, but I would always look for things that he was into, even if they were’t my thing at all, and I’d always try to keep an open mind.

The Glasshouse, is the former Sage Building, the magnificent curved structure on the South Bank of the River Tyne at Gateshead (known locally as The Slug!) . I understand that the name change is down to a change in sponsorship arrangements as a new arena is being built. It is a light airy place, with two large performance spaces and also assorted practice rooms and studios hidden away in its interior along with bars, a cafe and a brasserie, a shop. A huge range of musical activities take place there from workshops, choirs and musical groups of all kinds as well as an extensive programme of concerts, featuring classical and popular music of every genre.

As you would expect from a modern purpose build music venue, the facilities for customers with disabilities are pretty good. Once your details on their system you don’t need to provide further proof or details of your requirements again (presumably they will check at some point to comply with data protection regulations). Tickets can be booked on line or by phone – I prefer to phone them so I can ask for more detail on the accessibility of the seats available. . They can also issue a free companion ticket if needed and these are all posted out at a small extra charge (or collected before the event from the Box Office).

I was accompanied by my friend Vera for this one. I’m lucky to have lots of lovely friends – of course the more they love the music the better, so when Vera said she liked Jethro Tull she was the perfect person to go with. We went a little early so we could get an accessible car parking space and also allow extra travelling time as the Tyne Bridge is undergoing extensive renovation and the road traffic is restricted. All went well and we had time for something to eat before the performance. We had excellent seats in one of the boxes on Level One. I was able to drive straight in , transfer to a seat and then our lovely steward moved my scooter to a safe place very nearby.

I wasn’t at all sure what to expect here. I’d been listening to Jethro Tull and the only tune I recognised was Living in the Past. I also had vague recollections of an old episode of Top of the Pops, featuring a wild-eyed, wild-haired, bearded man playing a flute, while standing on one leg, pixie style, and just about managing to keep his balance. Not much to go on really.

Shortly before the band came on stage, a disembodied voice, a recording of Ian Anderson, made an announcement that cameras and mobile phones would not be permitted until the encore, and a signal would be given at that point. Reasons for this were, that mobiles are annoying to the audience, distracting to him and the band (especially when he was trying to remember the words) but also that people do not need to watch everything through the screen of their device – its so much better just watching and enjoying without. He has a point – I’m sure I’ve had a moan about this myself on the blog before now. Having said that I always take photos to post on here and occasionally (though sparingly) take an odd video, though only short clips. Anyway I totally respect what he said and as a law-abiding citizen I dutifully put my phone away until after the show.

This was the Seven Decades Tour (because Jethro Tull’s career spans seven decades obviously! This was a carefully curated setlist showcasing the range of music (folk rock, prog rock, metal , blues etc) recorded over the band’s lifetime, not necessarily the greatest hits (no sign of Living in the Past for example). I’ve also heard it said that the setlist was partly chosen to accommodate Anderson’s voice, which is not what it was.

They opened with a track from way back, off the This Was album (My Sunday Feeling) with the first of some amazing videos showing on the backdrop. This one comprised clips of a much younger Anderson performing, meanwhile on stage, the current lineup played the same song live, perfectly synchronised with the visuals. The videos gave a real sense of narrative to the songs, especially Heavy Horses and Aqualung (including some stunning portrait photographs of homeless men).

Seven decades in the business generates lots of anecdotes, so there are stories in between songs like the one about how We Used to Know inspired the Eagles’ Hotel California (as guitar player, Jack Clark demonstrated to perfection as it was played.)

Ian Anderson may be the only original member of Jethro Tull on stage tonight, but his band are all excellent musicians….

  • David Goodier – bass
  • John O’Hara – keyboards
  • Scott Hammond – drums
  • Jack Clark – guitar (and the most recent recruit)

The show was in two acts, with an interval in between. Of course those of us who are permanently wired to our mobile devices would switch on again at this point, but there was a gentle reminder before the music recommenced as the disembodied head of Ian Anderson with a pair of binoculars came up on the screen. We were being watched for unauthorised camera/phone use!

Then it was back to the music. If there’s one unique thing I’ll take away from this gig, something that will stick in my mind as being quintessentially Jethro Tull it would have to be Anderson’s flute playing. It was spectacular, sounded amazing (often played on one leg with no apparent balance issues, in his late 70s – impressive! ) I believe Anderson was self taught, choosing the instrument as it was something different – even more impressive. True, I can’t think of any popular flautists apart from James Galway and Lizzo, but Ian Anderson gets my vote!

I used to listen to a lot of folk music and I love that the Jethro Tull classics tell stories in that tradition, with a lot of social comment that is as valid now as when those songs were written, whether that relates to homelessness, (Aqualung), indifference to the death and destruction of war (Mrs Tibbets) or the mechanisation of agriculture (Heavy Horses).

All too soon the sign flashed up allowing the cameras – it was time for the encore (Locomotive Breath). Of course having been deprived of the opportunity all evening, out came the phones, even though this was an older and very appreciative audience filming their souvenir videos. After seven decades this could be `”last chance to see”, though I hope it’s not. A well deserved standing ovation followed.

Leaving the Glasshouse took a while. My scooter was retrieved quickly but unfortunately there was only one of the two lifts working and the staff were clearing the upper floors before it stopped to let those of us on Level 1 use it. It was all pretty good natured with those who could do so using the stairs to leave the lift clear for those of us who needed it most. After that we were able to leave, load up the scooter and drive off pretty quickly. I think most of the traffic had dispersed by the time I got out the lift, and of course I had Vera’s excellent company on the way home.

So thank you dear Kevin for sharing your birthday present with me. You continue to enrich my musical education and encourage me to open my mind and listen to music outside my usual sphere. It would have been so easy to give those tickets away but I’m so glad I didn’t. Your Legacy Tour continues, with more gigs to come.

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Celebrating a Life

Posted on by Jackie B

Once again I find myself indulging in some therapeutic writing. I wanted to write about Kevin’s funeral/celebration of life, with an explanation of why we chose the music, poetry, flowers and so on to make it about him.

We decided very quickly that Kevin’s beloved Labrador, Buddy would have to attend the funeral. Once again Kevin Foster, our funeral director organised the event for us with his usual calm efficiency and patience, as he had for Mum’s funeral a few weeks ago and he was totally amenable to that, even offering to walk with Buddy at the head of the cortege. We opted to keep Buddy in the car with us.

Kevin was not a religious man, so we opted for a humanist service at our new local crematorium at Bockenfield. We used the crematorium’s facility to livestream the service, as we had done with my Mum’s funeral. This has enabled many of our family and friends to take part who were unable to travel here because of distance, health or other committments. Our celebrant was Pauline Fellows, who visited us to plan the service. She was such a kind, gentle lady and very easy to work with.

We chose three pieces of music, all by bands we had seen perform. As we arrived. by Runrig played Gabriel’s Sword. The band originate in the Scottish Islands, where we spent many happy holidays and on our Scottish trips, Runrig’s music would always be playing in the car. Immediately after I read the eulogy, we listened the the very beautiful Everglow by Coldplay, another favourite band. All four of us went to see them once with friends. During this, a slide show of photographs of Kevin played. Finally we heard Beautiful Day by U2. We saw them many times and Kevin once introduced them live on stage, back in the day we were on the students’ Entertainment Committee at Sheffield University. They were supporting John Otway and Wild Willy Barrett at the time (this was a long time ago!)

Pauline had asked if we wanted to include a poem. It just happened that I’d bought a book of poetry for Kevin at Christmas. We had adopted the Icelandic tradition of  Yulebokkflod a few years back, and gave each other a book on Christmas Eve. Earlier last year we had been visiting the Sill visitor centre at Twice Brewed, near Hadrian’s Wall, where there had been an exhibition about a new book, The Lost Spells, by Robert Macfarlane and Jackie Morris. It showed some of the beautiful illustrations alongside extracts from the poems which are all about the natural world, and with recordings in the background, featuring birdsong. It was stunning and I bought the book to give to Kevin.

The poem I chose was Gorse. This spiny yellow shrub is a common feature of our local landscape here in North Northumberland, where it is known as Whin and gives its name to the Whin Sill, a huge outcrop of volcanic rock on the coast. The verses describe how though gorse creates a spiky impenetrable barrier it also provides shelter for the creatures that nest and seek refuge within it its thickets. Kevin was like this too. He could be a bit spiky, but truly cared for the rest of us.

Gorse

Good luck trying to force your way through 

Gorse! Better setting out across

a field of spears, a lake of pikes, a sky of

hawks, a hundred winters;

better getting dealt a thousand scratches

by a million splinters!

Out of crags and hedges, cliffs and ledges,

Gorse jags, spikes, crackles: raises

hackles, speaks sharply: Keep Out! Stay

Back! Get Off My Land!

Room is made by Gorse, though – space is

braced for redstart, rabbit,

wheatear, plover, quiet life is harboured in 

its criss-cross places.

See into Gorse; get past its guard and pick

a path towards its well-defended 

heart, the secrets kept within its limits.

Each of us is partly made of Gorse, of

course: prickly, cussed hard the parse 

and tough to handle, all helter-skelter

points and angles – but only ever really 

seeking love and giving shelter.

It’s a beautiful poem.

The flowers were by Polly’s Petals. Polly creates the most stunning naturalistic arrangements including wild flowers and foliage.

She created something beautiful to reflect the countryside that Kevin loved so much. It included bluebells, forget-me-nots, cherry blossom , rhododendron and wild foliage along with cream narcissus and lizzianthus.

There were also a few spikes of bright yellow gorse flowers to reflect our local landscape and the poem we chose.

Polly also added some pheasant feathers to continue the countryside theme.

The spray was made up in three sections, so Kevin’s sister, our daughter and I could each take part of it home.

Kevin loved following our local hunt, the Percy hounds, so at the end of the service, one of the hunt staff, Will, blew the hunting horn, sounding the long continuous note that is used to signal the end of a day’s hunting: Blowing for Home. Right on cue, Buddy, who had lain quietly all the way through, pricked up his ears and barked, just as he would if he heard the horn when he was out with Kevin on a hunting day.

Afterwards we went to one of Kevin’s favourite places, Rigg and Furrow – his favourite bar and the home of his favourite beer, Run Hop Run. We had spent many an hour over many a drink here in the brewery tap of this farm-based brewery, always loving the relaxed, fun atmosphere and the warm welcome. There was absolutely no other place we could have gone for the post-funeral reception, and when we asked they said it would be an honour to host it.

Pippa, who runs the venue, recommended our caterer, Kooked North. Laura created the most spectacular grazing board of cheese, charcuterie, pate, breads, crackers, olives, pickles, dips, nuts and fruit.

Kevin was an excellent cook and loved good food. He enjoyed trying locally made produce, so it was lovely to see some of our favourite Doddington’s cheeses being served.

There were also some tasty sweet and savoury baked treats, including some delicious sausage rolls, with either black pudding or pork and apple.

As those present shared their memories of Kevin over a drink and some food, we played some of his favourite music and ran a slideshow of photos.

We were overwhelmed by the turnout, which included people from so many different parts of Kevin’s life, some of whom had travelled a long distance to be there. He would have been really touched that so many came.

I’m so grateful to all that contributed to make the day such a perfect reflection of who Kevin was.

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Stitches, Sea and Sadness

Posted on by Jackie B

Today I went down to the sea with my current project. I didn’t do much work on it. I stared at the waves a lot. Things are not the same.

Two days ago K died following a massive heart attack. This comes only six weeks after the death of my mother. Once again I find myself writing here as therapy so please forgive the self indulgence and move on to something else if you need to.

Let me tell you about Kevin (I rarely used full names on here to preserve people’s anonymity so always referred to him on the blog as K). We’d been married for 37 years. He was my soulmate, my best friend, my lover, the father of our two amazing children and my carer too. My disability meant he did more for me practically than most partners have to.

We met at University. We were both on the Entertainments Committee that organised the gigs and discos in the Students Union. I was an undergraduate, he had finished a postgraduate course the year before and came up at weekends to work on the concerts with his Ents friends. That’s where our shared love of live music came from.

We were both science and nature nerds. When we first got together and he was walking me home one night, the entire conversation was about worms. It was quite a revelation to actually meet someone who knew the difference between a platyhelminth and an annelid (that’s a flatworm and a segmented worm, so now you know too).

We both worked in local government. We’ve had four homes over the years, in Lancashire and Northumberland. We have a son and a daughter, now grown up. Being a good father was always so important to Kevin. He always did his best for them both.

Since we both retired we’d developed new lives for ourselves that combined time together and separate interests, in his case fishing, geology, trail hunting and walking, with Buddy the Labrador. More recently , as a proud graduate of Newcastle University he’d become involved with the Alumni Network. He always gave 100% to everything he did.

Of course he wasn’t perfect. He had strong opinions that he wasn’t afraid to share, often online. We used to joke that he’d gone seamlessly from angry young man to grumpy old man.

Right now I’m grieving. I’m angry at the unfairness of it all. I’m feeling this massive hole in my life and I don’t know what the future will look like. Our two children are somehow managing to look after me on top of their own grief. I’m immensely proud of them and I know their dad would be too. I’m also overwhelmed by the love and support of family and friends.

I’m also grateful. I was so lucky to have this wonderful man in my life for 40 years and for the love we shared. He completed me. Kevin will always be in my heart.